Nonviolent Communication - foundation, purpose and basics
"Speak Peace is a book that comes at an appropriate time when anger and violence dominate human attitudes. Marshall Rosenberg gives us the means to create peace through our speech and communication. A brilliant book." - ARUN GANDHI, president, M.K. Gandhi Institute for Nonviolence, USA
The Founder of NVC
Nonviolent Communication (NVC) was originally coined by Marshall B. Rosenberg PhD. He found out there are some common aspects in the speech of great peace advocates such as Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King jr and Gandhi. He has experienced conflict and resolutions in countries like Sri Lanka, Sierra Leone and countries in Middle East. He sat between two parties all have their families killed the other. He claims that there are many alternative ways to avoid or minimize conflict and ways to genuinely understand as human beings. Marshall talks that the primary purpose of NVC is
"to connect with other people in a way that enables giving to take place: compassionate giving. It's compassionate in that our giving comes willingly from the heart. We are giving service to others and ourselves - not our of duty or obligation, not out of fear of punishment or hope for a reward, not out of guilt or shame, but for what I consider part of our nature. It's in our nature to enjoy giving to one another. Nonviolent Communication helps us connect with one another by allowing our nature to come forward in how we give (and are given to) by others" Speak Peace in a World of Conflict: What You Say Next Will Change Your World
Violence Inside Our Mind - Domination Structure -
Rosenberg believes that violence is not something naturally happens without any intention, but there are certainly aspects that cause violence. In the book, he agrees with the theologian Walter Wink in terms of the history of violence. He mentioned that there are many historical heroes who were rewarded, praised and dignified by killing 'evil enemies'. Look at the history textbook and it might not be so hard to find him. People are often not aware of what they talk and of the influence of the words. Rosenberg calls it "domination structure." In this structure, people at the bottom of the hierarchy are suppressed and dehumanized.
In the domination structure, the core system is rewards and punishment which are depending on the standards or values set by the rulers. If subordinates follow, they get rewards, but if they do not, they get punished. As the structure roots in people's mind as a norm (called 'moralistic judgements' in NVC), they lose their humanistic selves and become mechanistic human beings. In other words, only top-down decisions and top-down changes are made in domination structure. No matter which part of domination structure we are, only if we belong, we feel fear, anxiety, insecurity, stress and so on because parts of our needs are not met. The needs are such as understanding, compassion, acceptance, freedom, and so forth. The domination structure is very exclusive and not sustainable. Often violence happen in this structure because the suppressed constantly feel so much stress. They humanistic parts tell them to rebel or liberate themselves.
Instead of this structure, NVC have basic principles, the approach toward basic human needs and basic human feelings. We can understand in deeper sense by communicating based on basic human needs, which we all know and sometimes forget their importance.
Case Study, Apple Inc.
Steve Jobs is known for his black turtle neck sweater and jeans, and of course his uplifting speech. He is also known as a Zen Buddhist. He had even tried to become a Buddhist priest although stopped by senior priest. Before he started Pixar, he had been expelled from Apple because of his authoritarian management style. You will get some cases here (What Everyone Is Too Polite To Say About Steve Jobs). In one of his speech, he described workers in Apple and Apple as "good programmers but bad management." This is easy to imagine that programmers tend to indulge into their own products/service and marginalize teamwork because of nature of programming, it takes time and energy to pass a chunk of codes and let next programmer re-read and understand what it means, however neat and beautifully written, it is arduous. Therefore in a company with good programmers, good management is essential. Because of Jobs' authoritarian style, workers have been at the bottom or somewhere else but the top of the domination structure.
Take Responsibility of Our Feelings
In the case of Apple, neither of Steve or suppressed workers are villain or victim, this two extreme way of thinking is the precursor of the domination structure. What matters in the situation is their mind. Although there was a suppression, neither of two parties (of course more complex in reality) can say "he makes me feel....." because what we feel is what we choose. When humans make decision, our prefrontal cortex(PFC) function like Firewall, to distinguish desirable behavior and undesirable behavior. More importantly, orbitofrontal cortex(OFC) works for our emotional decision-making. They process information (choices) from the bottom of our brain, and choose the most desirable emotion and behavior, which happen in less than a second. So whichever decision we make, it's made in a flush. It's fraction of a second, but there certainly is a moment that we are making selections. I believe much contents of Buddhist practice is focusing how life-nourishingly we can sense what happens in our mind. To be responsible for our feelings and needs, we first need to be aware of internal process, then we know what choice we make, and choose the real best one. There is no better or worse in this process, but certainly, that's how we live everyday.
Examples of communication without and with NVC
Without NVC
Fight happened between a manager and an employee.
Employee : "my payment isn't fair, you must hate me".
Manager : "I needed to make that decision to go through current recession safely. You should accept that"
It is obvious that the employee needs more salary and employer doesn't want to pay. By looking at whole organisation, the employee might need to give up the raise this time, but he doesn't have to give up mutual trust and understanding with his employer.
With NVC
Employee : "I need more respect and fairness to my work. I feel disrespected because I didn't feel my pay wasn't fair."
Manager : "I feel sadness for hearing you feeling disrespected and treated unfair, I needed security and stability in our company, so although I was feeling sad, I needed to make decision about the pay."
Once needs and feelings become clear, the relationship between these two become easier to trust and understand each other, not as boss and subordinate but as human beings.
To know more about NVC, You can also get a NVC Instruction Guide here for free
Reference
Speak Peace in a World of Conflict: What You Say Next Will Change Your World
http://gawker.com/5847344/what-everyone-is-too-polite-to-say-about-steve-jobs
In the realm of hungry ghost by Gabor Mate